welcome ghosts

i am in a "blogging mood."

so my trip is over. i am a DTS graduate, and life has officially moved on. i am back home in good ol' North Cakalakie. aka north carolina....
my thoughts on being home are mixed and confusing, and i'm glad (not for the first time) that no one but me and jesus can hear them. my emotions are on a roller coaster that would but "top gun" at carowins to shame. i think about australia and my heart longs to be there..... my heart aches for the family i left behind there. i think its because i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has made me and designed me to spend the next two years of my life serving at that base. its hard to wait patiently to board the plane to gold coast knowing that.


on the flip side.
i think about leaving my family and my closest friends and it makes me cry. literally. my eyes can't hold back the tears. my throat feels tight and my heart feels like its being forced to play a game of tug of war.

its like my happiness is the object of a cruel game of keep-a-way with australia and my family on opposing sides.

i want to be in australia.
i want to be with my mom and dad.

ugh.

the other problem is my lack of contentment to stay at home and work. i feel like i have absolutely no purpose at all. well... i'm saving money, but what kind of purpose is that? it is very un-motivational.

the fact is that i am growing up. i'm moving out of my home officially for the first time. my grandfather just died. i've been sick. some of my relationships are in a constant state of peril these days.

i'm entitled to being a little emotional, right??

where is God in all of this??? please, lord, don't let me lose sight of you. of your glorious face. hold on to me. its all about you. my life is all about you, jesus. help me remember.

Julianna Lee Royer

i miss you :(

overdue

this is for juls.
well, for me too.

so, its over.
i'm a high school graduate.
fine-freaking-ly.

so now its just a matter of waiting slash trusting.
i should probably put more emphasis on the trusting part.
its really, really hard for me to just let go and "let God." (forgive the cliche)
i just have to trust that God has this under control.

its going to be so weird when i'm finally on this trip. its like... i've been getting ready for this for a year, and its finally coming up. next week. weeeeeeeeeeird. its going to be weird to be so far away from my family and friends, and bed. i love my bed. its the greatest. i love my room. i love my life right now. its really weird that its about to change totally.

why is it that once life gets good, it changes? whenever i'm finally conent with my life, everything rearranges?
don't get me wrong, i'm SO excited about this trip, and i'm GLAD that THIS change is coming. i'm just pondering here.

last year, i would've LOVED for this kind of change. i was miserable. but things just kept trudging along.

i'm listening to rainy day music. i'm in a rainy day mood. haha its Edward whether!! hahaha... ok. i'm sorry...

funny story- my dad is reading twilight, and he LIKES it. hahaha! i love my dad <3

wow.

i feel so selfish and self-centered.

i reread my last entry as objectively as i could, and (though it was written as a response... my anger was simply provoked) i can't bare how i continuously put the blame on my precious friend.... even if it was a mutual wrong? it was the most UNchrist-like thing i've ever read. i am ashamed. why don't i look at the LOG in my own freaking eye before i look at the speck in her precious, beautiful eye?

however, i refuse to delete that entry. you should know the truth about me.
i'm self-centered.


(and as this entry proves, i'm also very hard on myself) well isn't this the night for self exploration and discovery. i'm going to go watch prince caspian with my brother, kemp.

to whom it may concern.

i don't remember deciding that our friendship depended on ME. i was always under the impression that a friendship was a two way thing.

i am so sorry.
(please understand that that is slightly sarcastic)

i have apologized over and over that i have been so busy. you know (or you should) that i would love to spend all my time with you. so sorry that my senior project, senior recital, YWAM stuff, my JOB, my family, scholarships, and applications have gotten in the way with our hang out time. i'm sorry that EVERY SPARE MOMENT of my time is not spent with you. what do you want me to do about this? since, you know, maintaining our friendship is MY job.

i honestly don't understand why you think i would be avoiding you or that i don't love you. that is ridiculous. what part of my schedule do you not understand?!! the part where i go to school everyday or the part where i have to work on the weekends?

furthermore, you KNOW how easy it is to make me feel bad. i'm a sucker for a guilt trip. it doesn't help that every time i do get to see you, all i hear about is that i don't love you and don't want to spend any time with you blah blah blah. honestly, do you think thats going to make me want to spend time with you? it just makes me feel even MORE inadequate.

so instead of always blaming me or giving me a hard time, why don't YOU do something about it? why don't you call me or text me or something? ask for a time when i'll be free.

i know this is a harsh entry. and i would never say this to your face because you would be heartbroken. and thats the LAST thing that i want. i really do love you. thats why i'm even writing this.. because our friendship is worth all of this to me. and i know you'll never read this. but i just had to get it off my chest.

so, i'm sorry (sincerely this time).
i just can't handle everything right now. i'm barely hanging on as it is.

Edward Cullen

ok. call me a follower. a robot. a hopeless romantic. i don't really care because in the case.... i might just accurately fit all of those descriptions. i just can't help it. i just finished the first Twilight book today and i was.. captivated. i couldn't stop reading. i read as soon as i got home from school yesterday and kept reading until i finally forced myself to put it down at about 1am. ridiculous. but wait.. there is more. i (against every single drop of common sense i somehow managed to hang on to) brought the book to school with me today. i read all day. sooo pathetic that 1) my teachers didn't notice. 2) i hardly talked to people... i was content to live in Forks, Washington with my amazing vampire boyfriend, Edward Cullen.

now, before you pass any judgments (if you have not read the book) i would like to present some kind of explanation for myself... an excuse of sorts. there is something about Edward that personifies masculinity... in essence, PRINCE CHARMING. he always dashes in at the right moment to save the day.. promising to always keep bella safe. she is the apple of his eye. he treats her like a porcelain doll... effortlessly and gently carrying her about.. protecting her.. shielding her, defending her.

ok, i know i sound ridiculous and sappy, but my my inner disney princess is swooning over Edward Cullen. around him (aka reading these books) you might as well qualify me as a 13 year old middle schooler. but i think it goes deeper then that. lately i've been learning that the reason i feel like i do is because i have this deep desire for this. i am willing to bet money that every single girl.. somewhere deep down (maybe deep, deep down) longs to be come for. to be worth it. to be swept off her feet in some way or fashion. lets go a little deeper here. i believe that the reason we even possess this desire is because it is what we were created for. in fact, thats how it originally was. before sin. therefore, we have this great desire for restoration. for this need to be met. so whenever i find myself crying over the lack of an Edward Cullen in my own life, i remember that there is a reason i feel like this.. i was created for it.

anyway... i encourage you to get over it and read the book. i was resistant at first.. i thought it would be soo lame.. and then all the sudden.. OH MY GOSH THIS IS AMAZING. and it hits you. and you're sucked in. be prepared to not get anything done for a while. i haven't done homework in two days. :)

divine romance

The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied

Phil Wickham