welcome ghosts

i am in a "blogging mood."

so my trip is over. i am a DTS graduate, and life has officially moved on. i am back home in good ol' North Cakalakie. aka north carolina....
my thoughts on being home are mixed and confusing, and i'm glad (not for the first time) that no one but me and jesus can hear them. my emotions are on a roller coaster that would but "top gun" at carowins to shame. i think about australia and my heart longs to be there..... my heart aches for the family i left behind there. i think its because i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has made me and designed me to spend the next two years of my life serving at that base. its hard to wait patiently to board the plane to gold coast knowing that.


on the flip side.
i think about leaving my family and my closest friends and it makes me cry. literally. my eyes can't hold back the tears. my throat feels tight and my heart feels like its being forced to play a game of tug of war.

its like my happiness is the object of a cruel game of keep-a-way with australia and my family on opposing sides.

i want to be in australia.
i want to be with my mom and dad.

ugh.

the other problem is my lack of contentment to stay at home and work. i feel like i have absolutely no purpose at all. well... i'm saving money, but what kind of purpose is that? it is very un-motivational.

the fact is that i am growing up. i'm moving out of my home officially for the first time. my grandfather just died. i've been sick. some of my relationships are in a constant state of peril these days.

i'm entitled to being a little emotional, right??

where is God in all of this??? please, lord, don't let me lose sight of you. of your glorious face. hold on to me. its all about you. my life is all about you, jesus. help me remember.