wow.

i feel so selfish and self-centered.

i reread my last entry as objectively as i could, and (though it was written as a response... my anger was simply provoked) i can't bare how i continuously put the blame on my precious friend.... even if it was a mutual wrong? it was the most UNchrist-like thing i've ever read. i am ashamed. why don't i look at the LOG in my own freaking eye before i look at the speck in her precious, beautiful eye?

however, i refuse to delete that entry. you should know the truth about me.
i'm self-centered.


(and as this entry proves, i'm also very hard on myself) well isn't this the night for self exploration and discovery. i'm going to go watch prince caspian with my brother, kemp.

to whom it may concern.

i don't remember deciding that our friendship depended on ME. i was always under the impression that a friendship was a two way thing.

i am so sorry.
(please understand that that is slightly sarcastic)

i have apologized over and over that i have been so busy. you know (or you should) that i would love to spend all my time with you. so sorry that my senior project, senior recital, YWAM stuff, my JOB, my family, scholarships, and applications have gotten in the way with our hang out time. i'm sorry that EVERY SPARE MOMENT of my time is not spent with you. what do you want me to do about this? since, you know, maintaining our friendship is MY job.

i honestly don't understand why you think i would be avoiding you or that i don't love you. that is ridiculous. what part of my schedule do you not understand?!! the part where i go to school everyday or the part where i have to work on the weekends?

furthermore, you KNOW how easy it is to make me feel bad. i'm a sucker for a guilt trip. it doesn't help that every time i do get to see you, all i hear about is that i don't love you and don't want to spend any time with you blah blah blah. honestly, do you think thats going to make me want to spend time with you? it just makes me feel even MORE inadequate.

so instead of always blaming me or giving me a hard time, why don't YOU do something about it? why don't you call me or text me or something? ask for a time when i'll be free.

i know this is a harsh entry. and i would never say this to your face because you would be heartbroken. and thats the LAST thing that i want. i really do love you. thats why i'm even writing this.. because our friendship is worth all of this to me. and i know you'll never read this. but i just had to get it off my chest.

so, i'm sorry (sincerely this time).
i just can't handle everything right now. i'm barely hanging on as it is.

Edward Cullen

ok. call me a follower. a robot. a hopeless romantic. i don't really care because in the case.... i might just accurately fit all of those descriptions. i just can't help it. i just finished the first Twilight book today and i was.. captivated. i couldn't stop reading. i read as soon as i got home from school yesterday and kept reading until i finally forced myself to put it down at about 1am. ridiculous. but wait.. there is more. i (against every single drop of common sense i somehow managed to hang on to) brought the book to school with me today. i read all day. sooo pathetic that 1) my teachers didn't notice. 2) i hardly talked to people... i was content to live in Forks, Washington with my amazing vampire boyfriend, Edward Cullen.

now, before you pass any judgments (if you have not read the book) i would like to present some kind of explanation for myself... an excuse of sorts. there is something about Edward that personifies masculinity... in essence, PRINCE CHARMING. he always dashes in at the right moment to save the day.. promising to always keep bella safe. she is the apple of his eye. he treats her like a porcelain doll... effortlessly and gently carrying her about.. protecting her.. shielding her, defending her.

ok, i know i sound ridiculous and sappy, but my my inner disney princess is swooning over Edward Cullen. around him (aka reading these books) you might as well qualify me as a 13 year old middle schooler. but i think it goes deeper then that. lately i've been learning that the reason i feel like i do is because i have this deep desire for this. i am willing to bet money that every single girl.. somewhere deep down (maybe deep, deep down) longs to be come for. to be worth it. to be swept off her feet in some way or fashion. lets go a little deeper here. i believe that the reason we even possess this desire is because it is what we were created for. in fact, thats how it originally was. before sin. therefore, we have this great desire for restoration. for this need to be met. so whenever i find myself crying over the lack of an Edward Cullen in my own life, i remember that there is a reason i feel like this.. i was created for it.

anyway... i encourage you to get over it and read the book. i was resistant at first.. i thought it would be soo lame.. and then all the sudden.. OH MY GOSH THIS IS AMAZING. and it hits you. and you're sucked in. be prepared to not get anything done for a while. i haven't done homework in two days. :)