wow.

i feel so selfish and self-centered.

i reread my last entry as objectively as i could, and (though it was written as a response... my anger was simply provoked) i can't bare how i continuously put the blame on my precious friend.... even if it was a mutual wrong? it was the most UNchrist-like thing i've ever read. i am ashamed. why don't i look at the LOG in my own freaking eye before i look at the speck in her precious, beautiful eye?

however, i refuse to delete that entry. you should know the truth about me.
i'm self-centered.


(and as this entry proves, i'm also very hard on myself) well isn't this the night for self exploration and discovery. i'm going to go watch prince caspian with my brother, kemp.

to whom it may concern.

i don't remember deciding that our friendship depended on ME. i was always under the impression that a friendship was a two way thing.

i am so sorry.
(please understand that that is slightly sarcastic)

i have apologized over and over that i have been so busy. you know (or you should) that i would love to spend all my time with you. so sorry that my senior project, senior recital, YWAM stuff, my JOB, my family, scholarships, and applications have gotten in the way with our hang out time. i'm sorry that EVERY SPARE MOMENT of my time is not spent with you. what do you want me to do about this? since, you know, maintaining our friendship is MY job.

i honestly don't understand why you think i would be avoiding you or that i don't love you. that is ridiculous. what part of my schedule do you not understand?!! the part where i go to school everyday or the part where i have to work on the weekends?

furthermore, you KNOW how easy it is to make me feel bad. i'm a sucker for a guilt trip. it doesn't help that every time i do get to see you, all i hear about is that i don't love you and don't want to spend any time with you blah blah blah. honestly, do you think thats going to make me want to spend time with you? it just makes me feel even MORE inadequate.

so instead of always blaming me or giving me a hard time, why don't YOU do something about it? why don't you call me or text me or something? ask for a time when i'll be free.

i know this is a harsh entry. and i would never say this to your face because you would be heartbroken. and thats the LAST thing that i want. i really do love you. thats why i'm even writing this.. because our friendship is worth all of this to me. and i know you'll never read this. but i just had to get it off my chest.

so, i'm sorry (sincerely this time).
i just can't handle everything right now. i'm barely hanging on as it is.

Edward Cullen

ok. call me a follower. a robot. a hopeless romantic. i don't really care because in the case.... i might just accurately fit all of those descriptions. i just can't help it. i just finished the first Twilight book today and i was.. captivated. i couldn't stop reading. i read as soon as i got home from school yesterday and kept reading until i finally forced myself to put it down at about 1am. ridiculous. but wait.. there is more. i (against every single drop of common sense i somehow managed to hang on to) brought the book to school with me today. i read all day. sooo pathetic that 1) my teachers didn't notice. 2) i hardly talked to people... i was content to live in Forks, Washington with my amazing vampire boyfriend, Edward Cullen.

now, before you pass any judgments (if you have not read the book) i would like to present some kind of explanation for myself... an excuse of sorts. there is something about Edward that personifies masculinity... in essence, PRINCE CHARMING. he always dashes in at the right moment to save the day.. promising to always keep bella safe. she is the apple of his eye. he treats her like a porcelain doll... effortlessly and gently carrying her about.. protecting her.. shielding her, defending her.

ok, i know i sound ridiculous and sappy, but my my inner disney princess is swooning over Edward Cullen. around him (aka reading these books) you might as well qualify me as a 13 year old middle schooler. but i think it goes deeper then that. lately i've been learning that the reason i feel like i do is because i have this deep desire for this. i am willing to bet money that every single girl.. somewhere deep down (maybe deep, deep down) longs to be come for. to be worth it. to be swept off her feet in some way or fashion. lets go a little deeper here. i believe that the reason we even possess this desire is because it is what we were created for. in fact, thats how it originally was. before sin. therefore, we have this great desire for restoration. for this need to be met. so whenever i find myself crying over the lack of an Edward Cullen in my own life, i remember that there is a reason i feel like this.. i was created for it.

anyway... i encourage you to get over it and read the book. i was resistant at first.. i thought it would be soo lame.. and then all the sudden.. OH MY GOSH THIS IS AMAZING. and it hits you. and you're sucked in. be prepared to not get anything done for a while. i haven't done homework in two days. :)

divine romance

The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied

Phil Wickham

the more i seek you. the more i find you

originally written on August 3, 2008

i just have so many emotions and feelings and thoughts racing around my heart and mind, and if i don't share them, i might burst! :/

i am almost at a loss of words. i don't even know where to begin!

over the past year, I've been on an adventure. an adventure that rattled and shook everything i held dear and knew to be true. but i came out of it knowing one thing more surely and wholeheartedly then anything else: God is very, very real, and His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

however, as i unsteadily and tentatively stand up and brush myself off, i am confronted with more obstacles; more opportunities to use what i've learned over the past year. i can handle this right? i mean... i survived so much! the problem was... i still hadn't learned something: i can't do it on my own.

Surrender. something i've attempted and failed to practice and understand since i was twelve years old. i don't know why i've always struggled with it.. but i never quite understood HOW to surrender everything to God. believe me.. i've tried.. but i always used my own methods..

this issue has become a lot bigger.. especially since i have to make some major, life changing decisions by the end of august. but i finally realized something... i was listening to Hillsong United and Take All of Me came on...

I love You
All of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ take my life
Take all of me

and i realized that my whole life i've always been like.. "alright God. tell me what to do. show me where to go! i need answers right now!" but finally.. i was able to simply say "god... just take my life. take all of me."

and can i be honest? i have never felt such peace.. such hope and excitement.. and most of all so much JOY in my whole life. everyday i am excited.. just bursting with excitement for God's plan in my life.. i always knew that God had good plans for me.. but i never realized HOW good! God is so good to me!

i've been spending a lot of time with a friend of mine.. someone who has God at the very center of their life. everything they do, they do for God. God is THE MOST important thing in their life. and as a result of that, they are the most joyful, content person. its inspiring, really. i want to live that way. i want God to be the first priority in my life.

so. surrender. this is something i'm working on. something i have not mastered. but something i am seeing as the most fulfilling thing i have ever experienced.

but its so hard at the same time.
i want to give God a time table so bad. i feel like crying out "god, i'm running out of time!!!" but psalm 32 says that God will lead me on the best pathways for my life. so i just have to trust. to learn to wait. because God won't fail me. he never has.

so surrender is scary.
terrifying, actually.
but its also the closest i've ever been to God. the most joyful i've ever been.

and.. being close to God is actually an amazingly safe place to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5PVOYjB8U0